The Day Barney Stinson Went Gay
by ShoefoneWeasley
Summary: Barney Stinson is the world's biggest womanizer. He'll stop at nothing to get into a lady's pants... so long as she's hot. So what in the world could happen that would turn Barney into a legendary man's man?


Barney Stinson burst into McLaren's bar and made his way over the gang's table in no particular fashion that surprised his friends. Yet, even though he seemed to be drenched from head to foot with excitement, nothing could prepare them for Barney's biggest news yet.

"Guys! I have big news!" he said as he stood over the table. "Your best friend, Barney Stinson… is now a man's man! Yep! I'm gay!"

"What?!" Robin Scherbatsky, Ted Mosby, and Lily Aldrin yelled together from around the table while Marshall Erikson spit his drink all over his food.

"Un-huh!" Barney exclaimed as he finally pulled up a chair to sit down. He had on a smile that was bigger than his face and his eyes were lit bright with excitement as he laughed his crazy laugh, searching the table for anymore reactions from his friends.

"Barney, there's no possible way that you are gay," Lily said, handing her fiancé Marshall some napkins. "You're, like, the biggest womanizing man-whore in New York."

"Yeah, try on the planet," Robin added as the others nodded in agreement.

"Yes, maybe at a time this was true," Barney said. "But! That was before I met… Alvara." He stared at them all as though that was supposed to explain everything.

"Well?" Robin said. "Tell us about her!"

Ted shook his head. "He's not going to say a word until someone asks who's Alva-"

"I'm glad you asked, Teddy-boy," Barney said, making Ted role his eyes. "You see, I was at Club Hopeless last night, scanning the room for the next hot tail I could take home. And then… I saw her. Alvara. She was a tall and tan twenty-something with the body of a twenty-something, but that's not even what made her as hot as she was. Get this. She was Brazilian." Barney began laughing as he held his hand in the air for a high five.

"No way!" Ted exclaimed as he gladly returned his friend's high five. "I can't believe you nailed a Brazilian woman!"

"Wait, I'm confused," Marshall asked, putting his arm around Lily. "Why are you excited about Brazilian women?"

"I wouldn't expect you to know since you've been with Lily almost half your life," Ted said. "Dude, Brazilian women are like the hottest of the women on all of planet Earth."

"Not to mention they have the biggest boobs," Barney added.

"Uh, no, Barney. I'm pretty sure Russian women have the biggest boobs," Ted said to him.

"Ted! Shut up! Anyway, I pulled out my famous Barney Stinson charm and managed to get her back to my place. And guys. Oh my, like… guys. Seriously. The sex was AWESOME. She was like oh! Oh! Oh! And I was like yeah baby! Yeah! You want it, you dirty-"

"BARNEY!" Ted, Lily, and Robin yelled while Marshall cried out, "That's disgusting! We don't need the details!"

"Oh come on, that's like the best part!"

"BARNEY!"

"Okay, fine! So we finish up and I'm panting like a dog on a hot day. It was the best sex I've ever had, NAY, the best sex EVER. So of course, I tell her this. I mean, if I, THE Barney Stinson, am saying that was the best sex ever, you know it had to be."

"You are such a pig," Lily said, making Robin laugh and nod.

Barney ignored them and continued his story. "So I tell the beautiful Alvara this, and she turns over to look at me, shrugs, and says, 'Eh, I've had better.'"

Gasps rang around the table as Barney sighed, hanging his head in shame. "Dude, she actually said that?" Ted asked.

Barney nodded. "And that's not even the worst part. She also said I… I need some more experience."

More gasps rang around the table, and Ted and Marshall patted him on the back as he bit his finger and held back a tear. "Oh, you poor little man."

"It was then that I realized if I can't satisfy a Brazilian woman, then I'm no longer worthy of pleasing any woman ever again. Thus, I am now gay."

"But Barney, you can't just decide to be gay," Marshall said to him. "It's not a choice. You're born that way."

"Mmm, no, I'm pretty sure it's a choice," Barney replied.

"Whatever. And anyway, don't you have something in the Bro Code about being gay?" Marshall asked. "I don't know, like #78. Bros cannot turn gay if he has displeased a woman?"

Barney only stared him. "Bro. Don't quote the Bro Code if you have no idea what you're talking about." He then stood up, put his chair back, and said, "Come on, Ted! It's time to gay suit up! We're heading to a gay bar!"

Ted took a sip of his drink and laughed as he said, "Dude, there is no way in hell I am going with you to a gay bar. It's just not happening."

._.

An hour later, as Ted and Barney held their apple martinis at the gay bar, Ted said, "I don't know how you got me here… but I hate you for it."

Barney, who had changed into a bright purple suit with the matching tie, patted him on the back and said, "Sure you do. Now, how about you be an awesome wingman and help me play a little game of 'Have You Met Barney?'"

Ted stared at him as though he had officially lost it and said, "No Barney. I have a better idea! Why don't you go dance on the dance floor and I'll sit here and finish my drink."

"Suit yourself, dude," Barney said as he began to walk away. "I see a hottie on the dance floor anyway."

Ted sighed as he sat on a stool and tried to figure out how Barney had dragged him there. As he took a sip of his martini, he noticed a man approaching him with a sly grin on his face. The man sat on the stool next to him and said, "Hi handsome."

Ted smiled politely and said, "Look, you look really nice and all, but I'm not gay. I'm just here to support a friend."

"Awe, that's too bad, sweetie," the man said to him. "But I couldn't resist coming over here and telling you how cute you look."

"Ha, I'm flattered, but I-" Ted stopped and then stared at the man. He smiled and asked in a shy manner, "You… you really think so?"

On the dancefloor, Barney had taken up dancing to a Celine Dion song with a man named Peter Johnson (a name Barney only wished he had thought of when he was straight), who was flamboyantly gay. He was tall with bleach blonde hair and wearing a white see-through shirt with a fishnet vest over it, booty jean shorts, and flip-flops. Barney couldn't deny he was having a good time with him.

"Why don't we get out of here and head over to your place?" Peter whispered in his ear. Barney grinned and grabbed his hand so they could leave, but not before letting Ted know.

As he walked back over to his best friend, he was surprised to see at least seven men surrounding Ted. They seemed to be truly interesting in whatever he was talking about. One leaned across the bar, his chin in his hands, and said, "Tell us more about your job, Mr. Architect."

"Oh, well if you insist," Ted said, making the men give him a small cheer.

"Uh, Ted?" Barney said. Ted looked over towards him. "I'm about to head out of here with Peter."

"Okay, buddy. I think I'm gonna stay here," Ted said, eyeing all the men around him. "I'm very liked around here."

"Yeah, you are, sweetie!" the man leaning on the bar exclaimed, making all the other men cheer. Ted chuckled and began talking about his job again while Barney rolled eyes and headed out with Peter.

._.

"So how does the work?" Barney asked Peter as they sat on his bed, both of their shirts already off. "This is my first time with a man, but I suppose it's like having a sex with a woman, right?"

Peter laughed at him as he scooted closer. "Oh honey. You have so much to learn. But no worries. Tonight, just let me do all the work. Now, close your eyes."

Barney nodded and shut his eyes, preparing himself for what was about to happen. He knew that once they kissed, straight Barney was forever dead to him. He would then be gay Barney, the legendary man's man.

Peter gently set a hand on Barney's thigh, making him giggle a little. He set his other hand on Barney's waist and blew soft, sweet kisses around his neck. Peter brought him even closer to him, ran his fingers across Barney's chest, and then slowly leaned in for a kiss.

"Stop!"

The kiss never happening, Barney and Peter turned to see Lily and Robin burst in through the bedroom door. Barney stood up in an outrage and yelled, "How did you two get in here?"

"I had a key made a few months ago," Robin said casually as she stuck it back in her pocket.

"Barney, we can't let you do this," Lily said to him. "It's not who you are, and you're making a big mistake!"

"Don't try and tell me what to do, Lily!" Barney yelled. "This is me, the new Barney, and you guys will just have to get used to it! I am a gay man who is about to have sex with another man and there is nothing you can do or say to change that!"

"But-" Lily began, but Robin held out a hand to stop her. "Let me handle this, Lil." Robin stepped closer to Barney and said, "So you're a 100% sure you're gay?"

"Yep."

"And there's nothing at all I can do to change your mind?"

"Nope."

"Really?"

"I'm positive."

Robin then dropped her purse to the floor and lifted up her blouse, exposing her bare breasts to both men. Barney stared in awe and, without looking towards Peter, said, "Pete. You're a nice guy. But I'm no longer gay."

Peter nodded as he stood mesmerized by Robin's boobs as well. "That's okay. If I knew a woman with boobs like that, I would be straight too."

"What's funny is that's she's Canadian and they still look that awesome," Barney said as Robin pulled down her blouse.

"Canada finally got something right, huh?" Peter said to him.

Barney turned to him and yelled, "What up!" as he held his hand in the air. Peter laughed and returned the high five. "Bro, that was excellent! We need you in our group." He turned back to the girls. "Guys, we need him in our group!"

Peter laughed again and said, "No, honey, that's okay. But I do thank you for the offer. Now if you'll excuse me, I have other men to try to pick up. Ta-ta for now." With that, he let himself out of Barney's apartment.

Barney began to giggle as the door shut. "Hee-hee. He said ta-ta, which was obviously meant as a double entendre for good-bye and Robin's bo-"

"Yeah, dumbass, we get it," Lily said, shaking her head.

._.

"You really expect us to believe that this whole thing was just a plan to get Robin to show you her boobs?" Marshall asked Barney at his, Lily, and Ted's apartment later on. "You'd really go through all of that?"

"You act as though I've never done something so extreme," Barney said, taking a drink of his beer. He was out of his bright purple suit and back into his regular yet still totally awesome casual suit.

"Robin, are you really gonna let him have this one?" Lily asked her friend.

"Eh, why not?" Robin said as she took a swig of beer as well. "Let him think he has won. I don't care tonight."

As soon as Lily and Marshall were looking away, Barney looked towards Robin and mouthed _Thanks, Scherbatsky_. She shrugged as if to say it was no problem.

"Hey, where's Ted?" Marshall suddenly asked.

After a moment, Barney set his drink down, sighed, and said, "I know where he is."

._.

Back at the bar, more men had gathered around Ted to hear of his fabulous life as an architect, and he couldn't have felt any better. It felt nice to have people actually want to listen to him for a change, even if it was just a bunch of gay men who thought he was adorable.

"So yeah, the building was shaped like… well… you know," he said as the men began to giggle like school girls. "Tall, pink, a tip at the top, and two spheres at the bottom."

"Sounds like our kind of building, right Lance?" one of the men said to his boyfriend, making everyone else laugh.

"Okay, Teddy, it's time to go," Ted heard a familiar voice say. He turned to see Barney and Marshall breaking the crowd of men to get to him.

"What, now?" Ted asked. "But I'm having fun!"

Barney and Marshall stood on both sides of Ted and picked him up by his legs and arms. "We gotta go now, buddy," Marshall said.

"No! I wanna stay!" Ted protested as his friends took him away. The men around them groaned, hating to see him leave.

"I'll be back, guys, I promise!" Ted cried as he was dragged out the door of the bar. "I'll be back!" 

FIN.

**A/N: Tee-hee. My first fan fiction that isn't based off a book. Sorry y'all, but I'm gonna get a little smug and say I'm proud of this, especially since it's my first HIMYM fan fic. I thought of this and wrote it all out in one day. I mean, that's something to be proud of, right? Yay! :D**


End file.
